c.

im living in the confusion

extremely confused for everything

what i want is to run away

but i know those confusions will still there

because it derives from my deeper self.

kill me

Sun Flower

Sun Flower
© Steffi Gandalia 2009

Tonight I sit alone in my room
Looking at the plastic sun flower under the moon
Sometimes I wish I could just be that
As it looks great all the time

Hey but it’s unreal to realize
There’re no such words as living, breathing, blooming, and growing
Coz this phony sun flower isn’t alive,
They just pretend to be strong but they don’t have life

I’m a living man
With a heart and feelings
With a soul to see what’s unseen
With a mind to dream and imagine

I just want to be real
I need a ground for me to stand
I need water to feed my thirst
And Yes, I need the sun to shine on me

Somehow I’m trying to lie to myself
That I’m strong enough to do everything
But in the end I find I mess everything when I depend on my own
And I find that I only shine when He shines on me

So often I am trying to run and do it all alone
Till I get tired to wear a mask and have no confidence to show
And You made me realize
I can’t be a beauty living sun flower when I don’t have You, My sun shine

I’m a living man
With a heart and feelings
With a soul to see what’s unseen
With a mind to dream and imagine

I just want to be real
I need a ground for me to stand
I need water to feed my thirst
And Yes, I need the sun to shine on me

I want to be a sunflower
With my sun shining on me
I want to color this beautiful world
With Him being my role

Coz You’re the only source of my beautiful life
No.. I can’t shine without you
When You’re not by my side
And I can’t live without you

run

i don't know what am i doing

again and again.

i never learn how to be a good one

or maybe i am but because of the intimidation for the thousands times i fall again

through out my whole life, i realise there is one thing i can't change

i can't blame the the world where i live

and i can't blame anyone else either

and of course i can't blame my self

so i always reassure my self that God has His purpose

yet till now, i don't know what it is

what i know is i am suffering

and i don't really like it

i have no where to run to

i have no one to go through

once again i am intimidated

how i wish i could ran out from all these.

and i know it is impossible

until the day i say goodbye to the world

and sometimes i hope that day will be tomorrow

i am really exhausted

run.

literally bored

another blank page has been filled

i hope it will be filled by a great colour

i have done what i am supposed to

now

reality comes,

time to face it

time to click with it

how i wish ...

routine in exam periods

awakened by the melody of birds

the moment i opened up my heavy eyes

i was surprised

i was greeted by the warm welcome from the summer air

later afternoon, the unusual broiling air heavily waved through my window

and yet i realized it is still spring

put on my summer clothes to make sure my body is ready for the heat

and i head to school to begin my daily routine

nothing else besides perching on the rolling chair and flipping through my notes with the fragrance cup of coffee to make sure i am ready for the rest of my day.

run across familiar strangers in library, listened to undesirable noises

i told my self i need to pinpoint on my books and notes

the routine in the library ended by the familiar voice saying 'library close in 5 minutes'

loaded my 'equipment' into my -great gift from my friends- bag, as i ready to go

the frame of mind rooted by my cup of coffee faded away, as the sun begin to say good bye for the day

my stomach began to play the rolling drum, reminded me it is the time to fill some edible stuffs in to it.

prepared my dinner as i reached home, and finished it while enjoying some entertainment streaming from my computer.

i called it a day when the time showed 04:35am

4.01 am

hey there,

i know my blog is basically my own conversation, but who cares.

cause i found it interesting when i read back all those memories. :)

now is 4.01 am tuesday.

exam is next week, and i havent prepare yet.

i just dont have the mood to study.

these few days, i've been thinking of Dickinson, the people there and the experiences i had last year. time flies, it has been a year since i last saw them, but somehow it feels like last couple of weeks.

besides, i also have a tension to fly to malaysia, to meet up my friends there, as i guess i need an update from them.

i miss all of them, like really do.

life in melbourne is so far so good. nothing much happen

but what i realize from myself is im random, i hate my randomness.

and i think im weird too :D/

but wells, i dont give a shit, i dont care

i mean i just dont want to think of it.

i want to go back to dickinson so badly, like really2 bad..

i miss the snow, the apartment, wal mart, wendy's, and mates over there. :(

im thinking of the song which made me get to know tom, but i couldnt remember anything.

so frustrated, omg. .

huh.

okay thats about it i guess.

summer is coming :)

i hope i will have a fantastic holiday :D

kembali

udah lama banget ga post

sebenarnya banyak banget yg gw mao critain, cuman karena badai malas melanda mulu

jadi ya begitu lah

ga kebayang uda semester 5 gw d uni, 3 semester lagi gw lulus dan gw ga tao gw mao ngapain

dan hitung2 uda 3 semester gw d melbourne. banyak bgt perubahan. dari hidup sampai hidup (apa coba) ya pokoknya perubahan

mikir2 kykny gw jadi makin bego, bhs indo gw bner2 uda brubah jadi jelek bgt, bhs inggris juga ga maju2 jadi mao komunikasi pake bahasa apa coba

but yeah, back to business

i've been suffering in depression for past few months. dont ask me why, cause i dont know

couple months ago i had an urge to get my ticket and fly back to indo. . an out of sudden idea

i've been thinking too much, way beyond my control and my expectation -fantasy

i have no idea on what i want and what i need

strange, stranger, weird, awkward. thats all i can say to describe myself

i lost my self identity

well whatever, forget it

okay back to campus life, last sem was great, this sem seems to be just okay

cos everybody have their own stuffs to take care of

this sem is not the so called 'saddest' sem as i expected,

cos the distance between our friendship seems to be moving and switching from one to the others

most of my good friends here, well i should say all of my good friends in berwick is leaving soon

in 2 months time, and i dont know when and where i will see them again

their last sem,, sad ..but nothing else i can do, besides preparing my self to say good bye, and maybe shower in tears,

sigh!!

great to get to know you guys,

okay ,ots of stuff to say but im lazy, (massive headache atm) lame

till then take care