something stupid

few days since i touched down

first day in my real hometown

greeted not by what i expected

family is good, i always wish to spend times with them

but, what i expected seems far away

comment on appearance,

comment on everything i said and did

frustrated, i hate it,

i would rather stay in melbourne, with the hot weather

than this humid and unwanted greeting

skycraper

late at night

the moment when i think the city is dead

i walked out the terrace

i took a deep breathe, hold it and let it go

i opened my eyes and i see city lights

the lights that looks like the stars in the sky

at that moment, i felt like i'm standing on the top of the world

looking down to every details of everything down the earth

i am the owner of the universal

the cup of herbal tea

life is like a cup of herbal tea

it is bitter but those bitterness bring you a taste of sweetness

sweet in the sense of healthy life

so is life

after all those bad things you have encounter, you learn how to live your life

it doesn't taste so good, but yet when you look back you know those bitterness are worth consume

the bitterness doesn't goes straight after you guzzle it

and so is life, bad things just seems to be there and always there

but what can it be worse than those bitterness, i guess none

none of us like the bitterness, it is awful, unpleasant, and extremely sucks

a lot of us like to take the bitterness into granted, the bad experiences stuck in our mind anytime and everytime, but we never think about the 'sweetness' after the gulp of the bitterness.

how many times have we actually appreciate it?

i don't know, how about u?

i belong to You

i've been letting You down

but no matter what i do

You will always say 'son i love you'

' and i do'

i am speechless hopeless and useless

but You always there telling me that i am who You are

according to You, i am perfect

for You have your way in me

true

the wind is whispering to me

bringing me to the wide ocean sky

no border line no living animals no human voices

is an unlimited open space

perching on the white sands

staring at the ocean blue

and listening to the song from the breezing wind

slowly it bringing me alive

no pressure

gulping the whole new fresh air

blowing my mind and my life

so light i feel like flying

====================

indeed,

i'm deadly bored

begging on people in my msn list to talk to me

ended up chewing the fat in skype with JOANNE TEO

for the time of chatting,

i throw my pressure away, far beyond my control

and when we ended our talk

those forces fly back from the outer world in a light speed

and i realize 'he' is here.

stared at the sun set

my heart sink

my brain start boosting on its machine, working on those memories, bringing them back alive

but that is not i wanted

7 days to go

the mixture of feeling start pouring on my mind

the happiness and the sorrow

one day, if i can i would build a machine and i will name it 'washing machine'

not your dirty clothes but you undesirable thoughts

cleaning them up like the dirty and odour clothes being cleaned, white and fresh

until then, i will still remain as who i am

but the question arise: who am i?

c.

im living in the confusion

extremely confused for everything

what i want is to run away

but i know those confusions will still there

because it derives from my deeper self.

kill me

Sun Flower

Sun Flower
© Steffi Gandalia 2009

Tonight I sit alone in my room
Looking at the plastic sun flower under the moon
Sometimes I wish I could just be that
As it looks great all the time

Hey but it’s unreal to realize
There’re no such words as living, breathing, blooming, and growing
Coz this phony sun flower isn’t alive,
They just pretend to be strong but they don’t have life

I’m a living man
With a heart and feelings
With a soul to see what’s unseen
With a mind to dream and imagine

I just want to be real
I need a ground for me to stand
I need water to feed my thirst
And Yes, I need the sun to shine on me

Somehow I’m trying to lie to myself
That I’m strong enough to do everything
But in the end I find I mess everything when I depend on my own
And I find that I only shine when He shines on me

So often I am trying to run and do it all alone
Till I get tired to wear a mask and have no confidence to show
And You made me realize
I can’t be a beauty living sun flower when I don’t have You, My sun shine

I’m a living man
With a heart and feelings
With a soul to see what’s unseen
With a mind to dream and imagine

I just want to be real
I need a ground for me to stand
I need water to feed my thirst
And Yes, I need the sun to shine on me

I want to be a sunflower
With my sun shining on me
I want to color this beautiful world
With Him being my role

Coz You’re the only source of my beautiful life
No.. I can’t shine without you
When You’re not by my side
And I can’t live without you

run

i don't know what am i doing

again and again.

i never learn how to be a good one

or maybe i am but because of the intimidation for the thousands times i fall again

through out my whole life, i realise there is one thing i can't change

i can't blame the the world where i live

and i can't blame anyone else either

and of course i can't blame my self

so i always reassure my self that God has His purpose

yet till now, i don't know what it is

what i know is i am suffering

and i don't really like it

i have no where to run to

i have no one to go through

once again i am intimidated

how i wish i could ran out from all these.

and i know it is impossible

until the day i say goodbye to the world

and sometimes i hope that day will be tomorrow

i am really exhausted

run.

literally bored

another blank page has been filled

i hope it will be filled by a great colour

i have done what i am supposed to

now

reality comes,

time to face it

time to click with it

how i wish ...

routine in exam periods

awakened by the melody of birds

the moment i opened up my heavy eyes

i was surprised

i was greeted by the warm welcome from the summer air

later afternoon, the unusual broiling air heavily waved through my window

and yet i realized it is still spring

put on my summer clothes to make sure my body is ready for the heat

and i head to school to begin my daily routine

nothing else besides perching on the rolling chair and flipping through my notes with the fragrance cup of coffee to make sure i am ready for the rest of my day.

run across familiar strangers in library, listened to undesirable noises

i told my self i need to pinpoint on my books and notes

the routine in the library ended by the familiar voice saying 'library close in 5 minutes'

loaded my 'equipment' into my -great gift from my friends- bag, as i ready to go

the frame of mind rooted by my cup of coffee faded away, as the sun begin to say good bye for the day

my stomach began to play the rolling drum, reminded me it is the time to fill some edible stuffs in to it.

prepared my dinner as i reached home, and finished it while enjoying some entertainment streaming from my computer.

i called it a day when the time showed 04:35am

4.01 am

hey there,

i know my blog is basically my own conversation, but who cares.

cause i found it interesting when i read back all those memories. :)

now is 4.01 am tuesday.

exam is next week, and i havent prepare yet.

i just dont have the mood to study.

these few days, i've been thinking of Dickinson, the people there and the experiences i had last year. time flies, it has been a year since i last saw them, but somehow it feels like last couple of weeks.

besides, i also have a tension to fly to malaysia, to meet up my friends there, as i guess i need an update from them.

i miss all of them, like really do.

life in melbourne is so far so good. nothing much happen

but what i realize from myself is im random, i hate my randomness.

and i think im weird too :D/

but wells, i dont give a shit, i dont care

i mean i just dont want to think of it.

i want to go back to dickinson so badly, like really2 bad..

i miss the snow, the apartment, wal mart, wendy's, and mates over there. :(

im thinking of the song which made me get to know tom, but i couldnt remember anything.

so frustrated, omg. .

huh.

okay thats about it i guess.

summer is coming :)

i hope i will have a fantastic holiday :D

kembali

udah lama banget ga post

sebenarnya banyak banget yg gw mao critain, cuman karena badai malas melanda mulu

jadi ya begitu lah

ga kebayang uda semester 5 gw d uni, 3 semester lagi gw lulus dan gw ga tao gw mao ngapain

dan hitung2 uda 3 semester gw d melbourne. banyak bgt perubahan. dari hidup sampai hidup (apa coba) ya pokoknya perubahan

mikir2 kykny gw jadi makin bego, bhs indo gw bner2 uda brubah jadi jelek bgt, bhs inggris juga ga maju2 jadi mao komunikasi pake bahasa apa coba

but yeah, back to business

i've been suffering in depression for past few months. dont ask me why, cause i dont know

couple months ago i had an urge to get my ticket and fly back to indo. . an out of sudden idea

i've been thinking too much, way beyond my control and my expectation -fantasy

i have no idea on what i want and what i need

strange, stranger, weird, awkward. thats all i can say to describe myself

i lost my self identity

well whatever, forget it

okay back to campus life, last sem was great, this sem seems to be just okay

cos everybody have their own stuffs to take care of

this sem is not the so called 'saddest' sem as i expected,

cos the distance between our friendship seems to be moving and switching from one to the others

most of my good friends here, well i should say all of my good friends in berwick is leaving soon

in 2 months time, and i dont know when and where i will see them again

their last sem,, sad ..but nothing else i can do, besides preparing my self to say good bye, and maybe shower in tears,

sigh!!

great to get to know you guys,

okay ,ots of stuff to say but im lazy, (massive headache atm) lame

till then take care

it's just a dream

everybody have at least one dream 

a dream that tell a story, a fairly tale story. 

everybody dare to dream, because they need no worry about what is impossible, because in a dream, everything is possible 

dream maybe is a source of happiness, however i found it a tricky one

dream tends to give us hope, a hope that will never happen. perhaps a disappointment. 

i have a dream, and i dare to dream, because i know i can make things happen in my dream 

but the momment i open up my eyes, those dreams faded away, what left is a miserable feeling 

it doesn't feel good at all, some times i feel my dream is just so close to reach, but yet is still so far, indeed i will never reach that dream.

so i guess why the word 'dream' known as dream, because at the end it just a illusion. 

it's just a dream

b.l.o.g

been reading my friends' blogs. 

and i found out that people tends to blog when they feel upset. 

when they feel miserable, when they thing they have no one to talk to. 

(well that's more on my self) 

blowing wind

summer 

the trees were green 

the wind was breezing 

the birds were singing 

life seems meaningful 

autumn 

mellow of the trees

chilling of the wind 

empty sky 

life is fading 

winter 

leaves on the ground 

fog cover the sky 

birds are hiding 

life seems meaningless 

sinking boat

sink. 

everything feels like lost forever, 

no good reason to holding on. 

every breath is a waste of energy 

every step is the move to the end

sink. 

never know what is going on 

even now everything seems meaningless

every reality is a pain 

every dreams is a fantasy 

sink. 

sitting on the boat 

i lost the balance 

i lost the comfort 

i fall 

i'm sinking 

i don't know what happen, 

and i can't react 

games that never end 

and i'm falling slowly. 

all i need is love

"how you remind me"

it has been 2 months since i'm working in wendy's dickinson.

really glad to be here. this is my first job i ever had. 

it isn't that tough even-though one of the manager is a bitch. 

well that bitch gives me some fun while working, at least i have someone to argue with. 

overall im having fun here. 

as the information, im a "night guy", i work for closing. it isn't a fun job for the others. somehow im enjoying it. even it is tiring and complicated. but yet i love it. 

every closing, the music from the ceiling will start playing out loud for entertaining purpose. 

and guess what? i found alot of songs that will remind me those days and friends in wendy's. 

those songs are: 

-womanizer. sing by justin (european whore working mate)

sometimes justin change it to sanitizer or baconator. he is really a fun guy. like to work with him, he is weird. touch his nipple. and said what's going on. 

-hot and cold. sing by riley (korean whore mate)

16 years old guy. like to be called as whore, kinda childish. but he is fun! 

we sing we shout and we laugh in deidra's car, after we catch the movie. "cos ur hot n ur cold, your yes and your no,....." lol

-graduation. sing by tom (sex whore? i guess)

weird? sex whore? i have no idea, but most of the time we talk bout sex, or teaching him some bad words in indon. emotional guy and a night star.his mad and happy kinda mix together. yet having fun while working with him. 

-realize. sing by briley, (genius) justin, and me 

briley is a genius guy, his position in wendy's is safety marshal. he is graduating soon from his high school. he just received a 20grand scholarship. and he applied harvard and yale for his future collage. WAH. cool. well this song is actually started by me, and continue by justin and followed by briley. 

this song also remind me bout duet with justin, every single night when i work with him. and he will said "we gonna win american idol" LOL. yeah 

-how you remind me.

this song is just so cool! it reminds me every seconds of my closing moment. 

besides those names and songs,

-  bo is also a great person, he is the employee of the month. as i know, he is a pro in guitar hero!

- deidra, she is a great friend. she gives us rides to walmart, home, watch movie, applebee's, and willings to drive to bismarck, which is an hour and half journey. she is such a great friend. and guess what? she is the employee of the month AND employee of the year. @.@

- gwen, she is a nice mother. she is just so amazing, she likes to sing rnb songs, age is not a problem for her. she is kind and a good person. she invited us to her house to had a great christmas dinner!

one of the most important person is JASON. 

he is one of the manager. he takes care of us. his is a dad of 5. but he acts young and looks young! he is a fun manager to work with! "diu diu diu diu" or "scooby doobi doo, where are you" those are the songs come from his mouth! kinda cute thou. 

those songs will definitely reminds me to my days and my friends in wendy's. 

"this is how you remind me" 

another 14 days to call out the contract. 

14 days working in wendy's. i can count the days and the person who i will spend with for the next 2 weeks. will meet some friends for less than 10 times or even 5 times. and is time to say good bye. 

and have no idea at all when and where will meet them again! 

such a great experience here! im really glad to be here. 

 

update

been so long again, finally i have that mood to type for this blog. 

i dont know how to start,. 

a lot of topics to write thou, such as: 

-after exam

-leaving melbourne

-holiday in malaysia

-work and travel in states

and bla bla bla..

whatever, okay im in states now, dickinson, north dakota. 

working in wendy's as busy body (everything) from grill to fries, to sandwich maker, to cleaner, and everything. 

have uploaded few pictures in facebook. feel free to take a look on my facebook! (link on the right hand side) 

nothing much to say, have to go to work in 1 hour. 

see ya!